Unscripted

Maybe it’s because I spent two years working telephone tech support. Or maybe it’s because I solve problems professionally. Perhaps it’s because I have functioning brain.

Whatever the reason may be, I find that very little in life is more frustrating for me than a “tech support” person who will not deviate from the script.

And I get that 80% of most users’ problems, regardless of what they’re calling tech support about, can be solved with a rote series of maneuvers. But the reality is that by the time someone has picked up the phone and called tech support, she’s already to frustrated to be read to from a script…

Now press the menu button on your remote twice…
Now press the down arrow five times…
Now press the right arrow once….

Yes, these are the verbatim instructions I got when I called my cable company’s “tech support” line because we’re having a problem with how network programs display when delivered by our HD-DVR to our non-HD TV.

Treat me like a human being. Treat me like I’m smart enough to actually work the piece of equipment I’m calling about. A better version of this script would read…

OK, we need to change the Video Output settings on the DVR. Can you get to the settings menu for me? No? Alright, press the menu button on the remote twice.

Great, now, do you see a setting called Audio/Video output near the bottom of the list? Awesome. Use the arrow buttons to scroll down and highlight that for me.

Is it highlighted? Great, now use the right arrow button to open the menu.

One of these “scripts” treats me like a dumb piece of meat. The other involves me in solving the problem. The more involved I am in solving the problem the less pissed off I’m likely to be if it can’t be resolved on that call.

The thing that really bugs me about so-called tech support is just that: they don’t actually solve problems. And I think that’s mostly because no one teaches their children to solve problems any more.

See, systems are really pretty simple when you strip away the bells and whistles. There’s an A side and a B side and something that connects the two.

Basic problem solving tells us that you cut the problem in half. If you can remove the A side and replicate the problem then the thing that’s broken is (most likely) in the B side. If it doesn’t replicate chances are that the problem is on the A side. Very rarely your problem is in the connector.

Yet, most service providers automatically assume that 1) the problem is on your side, and 2) you did something to fuck it up.

There’s no possible way that the reason your cable modem only works 3 days out of 15 is because the wires are strung on telephone poles and subject to the elements and the machinations of squirrels who haven’t heard of pedicures. No, the problem must be in your computer.

I know I’m ranting, and to no purpose. Everyone knows that telephone tech support sucks. And everyone knows that outsourced call centers suck the most (yes, it’s the language barrier which makes the “techs” even more dependent upon the scripts; and I get that their English is better than my Hindi or Farsi or Bangla but even if I spoke another language fluently I wouldn’t dream of doing tech support in that language).

Still…why make life any harder than it is? Enough bad tech support and I’ll take my $103.76 (including taxes and federal licensing fees) to another company whose support is likely just as shitty but with whom I haven’t interacted as much yet.

On a slightly more pleasant note: someone somewhere in my neighborhood is playing a saxophone…and rather well. It’s quite pleasant.