Inauguralacrum

Can’t make it to DC but still want a (semi) authentic inauguration experience? Follow these handy steps for recreating the experience of being on the Mall at the swearing in ceremony on Tuesday, January 20, 2009.

1. Go out and by a huge flat screen TV, 60 inches or better. Best Buy has one on sale for only $3,999.
2. Hang your new purchase on your living room wall.
3. Do you live some place cold?
   • If so, open all the doors and windows in your house. Do that now. Yes, I realize it’s Saturday. Make sure to turn your furnace off so it doesn’t kick on at any point during the proceedings.
   • If you don’t live some place cold, crank your air conditioner down as far as it will go. On Tuesday at about 4am – it’s important that you go out this early because we want you nice and tired during the event – go out and buy about 300lbs of ice. Randomly set big tubs of ice around your house to cool it down even further.
4. Invite 250 of your closest friends to come over for the swearing in. Make sure they know the festivities start at 10am Eastern. Let them know they need to be there at least two hours early to get through security. Don’t start letting them in until 90 minutes before everything starts.
5. Before your guests arrive, put on way more clothing than you would ever normally wear. Add some of those refreezable permanent ice cubes to your shoes and gloves (yes, your outfit must include gloves that make it impossible for you to grasp anything with out taking them off). Add a cold pack around your waist just about where your kidneys are.
6. Make sure that at least five of the people you invite are in the “extremely contagious, oh my god get your germs away from me” stage of a head cold. Provide no tissues for them to alleviate their symptoms with and no trash receptacles for them to throw out any tissues they may bring with them.
7. Don’t set out any food or beverages for your guests. In fact, confiscate anything they may have brought in a bag that is bigger than 8″x6″x4″ as any bag larger than that is on the prohibited items list. Also, if any one of them had the audacity to bring hot soup in a thermos, either turn them away or confiscate the thermos (no, they can’t get it back later).
8. Remove all the towels and soap from your one-seater bathroom. Add extra tubs of ice to make sure it’s nice and cold.
9. When the time comes for the festivities to start, crank the sound up on your speaker system so it’s just past the point of too loud and hovering around the edge of so loud its distorted.
10. Make sure that at least three of your friends with head colds are standing just inside your personal space limitations at all times during the event, and that there is at least one person who is five to six inches taller than you are standing between you and the screen no matter where you stand.
11. After the President is done giving his speech, make your guests wait at least 45 minutes before they can leave your house or apartment. This will guarantee that they get at least a taste of the crushing boredom that accompanies having to stand around while the transit system collapses because it’s handling about 5,000% more volume than it was designed to handle.

Follow these steps and I guarantee you will get a taste of the authentic inaugural experience.