Bummer, man

I would lay down good money that if you called 200 people (100 men and 100 women) at any one of the Fortune 500 companies to listen to their outgoing voicemail messages at least 75 of the women’s messages would include some form of the phrase “I’m sorry I can’t take your call right now.” See, women apologize too much.

We apologize for things that aren’t our responsibility. We apologize for inconveniencing others when all we’re really doing is attending to other, more urgent, business. We apologize for having our own needs by putting them last on our to-do lists or letting them be superseded by needs sold to us by cosmetics companies and retail marketers. It’s not entirely a female problem though; it’s also a linguistic one.

In American English we use the phrase “I’m sorry” to mean a lot of complicated things including “I made a mistake” and “I wish I hadn’t been caught at whatever it was I wasn’t supposed to be doing” and “I beg forgiveness for my transgression.” Odd, isn’t it, that the Oxford English Dictionary lists “feeling or expressing regret or penitence” as the second definition for the word sorry? Not so much when you consider the other way in which we use the phrase “I’m sorry.”

We use it to mean, as its primary definition lists, “feeling distress or pity through sympathy with someone else’s misfortune.” Great denonatively; not so great connotatively. The difference being that while “I’m sorry” as an expression of sympathy meets the dictionary definition in practice it takes on a responsibility for the other person’s problems that really shouldn’t be there.

Women in American culture are expected to be care givers, nurtures. Our myth is that we comfort our friends with a nice cup of coffee, some cookies, and a good cry and then get down to helping them solve their problems if there is a solution or helping them make a new life out of the ashes if the problems are immutable. In short, we are trained to this culturally, told that this is our role, and language reenforces that. Really, how many times have you said or heard the exchange

Person 1: [some news about something bad happening]
Person 2: I’m really sorry.
Person 1: Oh, it’s not your fault but thank you.

More, I’m willing to bet, than you realize.

When I was a kid I had to take these liquid vitamins. I’m not entirely sure why but I did and, apparently, they tasted horrible. I was none too shy about them tasting horrible and my father, with a pithy turn of phrase, told me it was a bummer but I had to take them. Shortly there after my parents left me overnight with my aunt and my uncle but neglected to bring the vitamins. I was inconsolable telling them that I couldn’t go to bed without my bummer. They had no clue what I meant (what does a 2 year-old know from vitamins).

The point is, I think, that we start behavior reform with language (it is, after all, humanity’s primary means of expression). So how do you express sympathy without falling back on taking responsibility, even temporarily or tangentially?

Part of it is saying what you mean (I wouldn’t wish what you’re going through on anyone and if there’s anything I can do to make it easier let me know) for the really big things. Part of it is not bringing out the big guns for the little stuff (someone’s car getting towed; having to go to jury duty). Thus I propose the resurrection of the phrase “That’s a bummer.” It acknowledges that the situation is less than satisfactory and it also acknowledges that you recognize the person is going through a rough time without taking responsibility for it.

And for the record, my outgoing voicemail does not contain the phrase “I’m sorry I can’t take your call.”