The next time you find yourself in the mood for a loud, simple movie with cartoonish bad guys, cool weaponry, and people wearing lots of leather I’d recommend Blade Trinity, the third of the Blade movies adapted from the Marvel Comic of the same title.
In case the Blade movies have passed you by, the basic story is pretty standard: vampires walk the Earth among us, feeding off the human population and being generally icky. Blade’s mother was attacked late in her pregnancy and while she died as a result the virus that turns a human into a vampire altered Blade’s DNA such that he his a hybrid, not human, but not vampire either. Called the Daywalker by true vamps, Blade (Wesley Snipes) has “all of their strengths and none of their weaknesses.” He also gained the thirst for blood at the onset of puberty.
For Blade life is a war against vampires. Killing them is his entire reason for existence. Aided by Abraham Whistler (Kris Kristofferson at his grunged out, stringy, backwoods best) who acts as his weapon master and general handler, Blade’s roadshow has been going on for years as he and Whistler move from city to city finding “nests” of vampires and, well, slaying them. In each of the previous Blade movies, some too smart for his own good vampire has cooked up some plan to change the nature of the human-vampire balance and it’s up to Blade to stop him. Blade Trinity isn’t much different except this time, we add wisecracking Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds), the very not hard on the eyes Abigail Whistler (Jessica Biel), and Danica Talos (Parker Posey, so far fallen from her position as the Queen of Indie Films).
King, cured of his vampirism by blind geneticist Sommerfield (Natasha Lyonne), who doesn’t even rate a first name, has joined up with Whistler’s daughter to fight the forces of evil. This time, the big plot, initiated by his ex-girlfriend Danica, is to dig up the original vampire and find a way to genetically engineer a serum that will allow all vampires to be daywalkers like Blade and Drake (Dominic Purcell, whom I think might actually be an android based on his utter lack of facial expression).
The plot really doesn’t matter. What matters about this movie is that there are a lot of cool gadgets, a kickin’ soundtrack, many really well placed quips and sarcastic comebacks, a pretty girl in leather pants and not a whole lot else, and some very well choreographed fight scenes. Oh, yes, and Ashley Scott needs a much better agent.
Don’t go to Blade Trinity expecting great art, or, for that matter, the perfect action movie. It’s not a bad way to spend a couple of hours in the theater if there isn’t much else you’d rather see. It’s not worth full price, and if you can get it for free on cable, you’re not going to miss much off the big screen.
For this, for the fact that I’m scared to see how big Wesley Snipes’ muscles can actually get, and for the utter lack of respect for its own internal continuity and bible on vampires, I’m giving this movie two popcorns out of a possible five.
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Gah! I used to think that David Goyer was going to save comic-book movies – this floater was an unfortunate correction! I think he saw an opportunity to create his own franchise – without Wesley Snipes – and sought to cash in. To bad he forgot how to write compelling stories in the process…
Betting your career on selling-out your leading man? How low of him. I hope Weley’s already found an alternative writer… and that Jessica Biel find some better projects.