King Arthur

I have to hand it to the editor who cut the trailer for King Arthur. A lot of talent went into making this film look a lot better than it actually is.

The King Arthur legend has been explored by innumerable scholars, authors, and film makers with very little agreement among them not only about the time period in which Arthur supposedly lived but also about the circumstances surrounding his ascension to power. This film, directed by Antoine Training Day Fuqua and produced by Jerry Top Gun, Days of Thunder, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl, CSI Bruckheimer, puts Arthur (Clive Owen, a shoe-in for the next James Bond, in my opinion) living somewhere around 500 AD, between the fall of the Roman Empire and the Dark Ages. Historically accurate? I have no idea.

I do know that the marauding Pagan “Woads” that this movie keeps referring to were probably actually the Picts (woad is a thing not a person, guys), a race of people thought to have inhabited Scotland until about the 10th century (that would be the 900s) AD. This conclusion is largely supported by the fact that the characters keep referring to Hadrian’s Wall throughout the film. Suffice it to say that the Romans were pretty much scared shitless of these guys. I mean, after all, they’d conquered most of the then known world and yet, they built not one but two walls across the island to keep them away. Go figure.

Essentially, this film puts Arthur and his round-table knights as Roman mercenaries sent on one last mission before they secure their freedom from impression in the Roman army. They’re sent to bring back to safety the Pope’s godson who, we’re told, is destined to be Pope one day himself. All the more urgent is this mission due to the fact that an invading horde of Saxons (some 2,400 or so) is approaching from the north and will soon reach the homestead where this boy lives with his family.

Bored yet? Yeah, so was I.

Part of the reason I wanted to see this film is because I’ve never quite bought the idea of Guinevere swanning around the castle in her gauzy, empire waist dress (for the record, the empire waist was invented by Josephine sometime in the 1700s; she had quite a little pot-belly I’m given to understand). And while this Guinevere (Keira Knightly) is more of a contributor to her fate, the whole thing still felt contrived and shallow. They try to gin up drama by portraying the Saxons as blood-thirsty proto-Nazis; at one point the Saxon leader, Cerdic (Stellan Skarsgård), whose name we never actually learn in the film, forbids his men from raping any of the women in the villages they pass through because such acts might result in weak children that will dilute the race. Accurate? Again, I don’t know. All those blue eyes wandering around Ireland and Scotland had to come from somewhere in history.

What I do know is that I never really cared much about the fate of any of these characters. The plot felt rote, and while the country (Ireland standing in, as we’re used to, for Scotland) was indeed beautiful, I’m left wondering why I bothered.

For massive historical inaccuracies and a vastly misleading trailer, oh, yes, and the fact that Antoine Fuqua should never be allowed to shoot another love scene again, I’m giving this 1 out of 5 possible popcorn boxes.

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